[Five Deadly Everythings]

Iran, according to Battlestar Smurfs

Posted in *dead* by Jef on May 31, 2010

As over-simplified for the Republican Party:

The smurfs represent the Iranian people, shown here attacking the cylon. When the smurfs believe that they live in a representative democracy, and it is then shown to be false, they do not take it well. They will climb around and dance and make all sorts of noises. Unfortunately the cylons have been allowed to control them for so long, that they are much more powerful than the smurfs.

(via)

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Deadspin’s “Dead Wrestler of the Week” pays homage to fallen giants

Posted in obits by Jef on May 31, 2010

I don’t even watch wrestling anymore, but I still have enough fanboy in me to appreciate Deadspin’s “Dead Wrestler of the Week” series (which was my Morning Dump recommendation last Saturday on the Ashcan). Wrestlers deal with a lot of pressure and endure a lot of pain, and when you combine that with the industry’s history of shady and/or conflict-heavy business practices, the performers’ outsized personalities, and the expected toll an on-the-road lifestyle can take on one’s personal life, you can see why wrestlers lend themselves to pretty interesting biographies. Add freakish deaths into the mix (and really, so many have died too early), and those biographies become incredibly engrossing obituaries.

Going off the top of my head, Deadspin’s really only just getting started.

Cage fighter rips out friend’s heart during bad shroom trip

Posted in 8 million ways, news stories by Jef on May 31, 2010

Above: Not amused

Today’s example of Why You Should Only Do Shrooms with Cool-Headed People You Deeply Trust (i.e. Never With Cage Fighters, OK? Not Even the Soft-Spoken Good Hygiene Types like GSP): Jarrod Wyatt, a 26-year-old mixed martial artist with a 1-0 record, drank some shroom-laced tea with a couple of his buddies, began “acting strangely,” then cut open his friend’s chest and took his heart out.

According to the coroner’s report, Taylor Powell was alive at the time his heart was removed. Wyatt’s other friend, Justin Davis, left the scene to alert police to Wyatt’s odd behaviour and did not witness the event.

From the Daily Mail:

Justin Davis told police he returned to the flat to find Wyatt naked and covered from head to toe in blood.

He noticed an eyeball lying in the middle of the floor and saw Powell’s mutilated body.

A lawyer representing Wyatt has claimed the wild mushrooms caused him to act in such a violent way and had not (sic) control over his actions.

‘My client was trying to silence the devil,’ said James Fallman.

So yeah, whatever your “bad trip” story is, I think it’s fair to say you’re being a tad dramatic about it.

Sidenote, autopsies are funny:

According to an autopsy Powell, 21, bled to death after his heart was ripped out.

I can see how that makes sense technically, but the quest to be technical about everything can be a slippery slope. Can someone bleed to death if they don’t have a heart to pump blood? Whatever the technical reason for death was, I say we chalk this up to HAVING YOUR HEART RIPPED OUT and call it a day.

Sex, dread and Dior with David Lynch

Posted in drop deadly gorgeous, race, video clip by Jef on May 28, 2010

I have as much to say about David Lynch’s 16-min spot for Christian Dior as I do about his feature-length movies, but I can say this: he does something rare (still!) by having an Asian man as the romantic interest opposite the lead white woman.

And it seems the chap took her flower — which, knowing Lynch, could mean any number of things, but probably means exactly what you think it means. Coffee, anyone?